This weekend I had the opportunity to attend the pilot session of the “SisU Bootcamp: Your New Mission in the Sisterhood of Success.” The event was ran by the ever engaging @ChiefHotMomma and the entire session was amazingly beneficial. But one activity stood out for the applicable lessons it taught.

We ran “forums” in groups of 4. One person presented a problem for an uninterrupted 5 minutes, while the other 3 group members listened. At the end of the alloted time, each of the 3 forum members had 3 minutes to respond to the problem shared. The groups were supposed to wait for the timers to move ahead from one step to another, but being the overacheivers they were in the room, many moved right into the response step without waiting for their timers. Good thing we all did, because here is where the real lessons exposed themselves.

Are answers really the answer?

When the presenter’s 5 minutes were up we were directed on what our response could/could not be. This was not an opportunity for us to advise. Our role was not to direct how to solve the problem. “We all have a mother, we don’t need another one” was our directive. (Absolutely no disrespect to mothers out there, but of course we all knew what she meant!) Instead, our role as forum members was to share “In my experience…” To pull from our own lives and engagements and share those rather than prescribe a solution. That directive changed everything.

We changed direction and readjusted our conversations. As we recapped the experience at the end of the activity, the impact of that one refocus was revealed. Those that had moved ahead, all expressed that their immediate response to someone’s problem was to advise them on how to solve the problem. Every one of us felt that to be helpful and make a difference for the person sharing, we had to tell them how to fix the problem. When the nature of the conversation switched to sharing personal experience, the atmosphere and impact of the conversation was dramatically changed, for the responder and the presenters as well. Sharing your own experience forced a level of connection and empathy merely telling someone how to fix a problem could never do. We were forced to seek the underlying aspects of a challenge shared, not the surface picture of it. It personalized the conversation which allowed for more open discussion, and trust, between parties. And the presenters walked away with not only details and ideas on how to approach their challenge, but that they weren’t alone in dealing with it, which made the problem seem much less personal and more digestible.

I couldn’t help but think of the application of this lesson on how we conduct ourselves with those we are responsible for engaging with in our businesses. So often we approach our discussions and work with others from the “let me tell you what to do, that is what you hired me to do” mentality. And while ultimately we all need to deliver on that, what would be different if we changed our dialogs, our approaches to the work we do to solve those problems, to utilizing this model? What if most of our exchanges were based in an exchange of experiences that require empathy, understanding and leveling rather than Q&A?

The lesson I took away was that truly addressing a challenge doesn’t simply require an answer. Being told an answer requires a leap of faith that it will work. But a related solution inherently brings along a validation and why it will work. It is grounded in similar, sharable experiences and addresses more than surface commonalities.

Try it. Next time you sit down to design, to address a customer complaint, to talk with a co-worker, to write a proposal, start the conversation with “In my experience…” See if it changes your thought process, your approach to the work or answer. But most importantly, pay attention to what gets lost. What is taken out of the equation when we lead with empathy rather than expertise? I’d be interested to hear.

Note: If you aren’t familiar with The Hot Mommas Project, you should really check it out. It is worth it, they are doing some really good work.